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Philippe

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Freitag, 6. Januar 2006, 15:45

The complete Chuck Norris Factfile

Ladies and Gentlemen, I do present:

The Complete Chuck Norris Factfile.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn’t, he replied, “Of course I can, I’m Chuck Norris,” and roundhouse kicked him in the face.

If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.

On the 7th day, God rested…. Chuck Norris took over.

When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn’t work, he plays zombie.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world’s hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.

Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

A duck’s quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.

Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany.

If you want a list of Chuck Norris’ enemies, just check the extinct species list.

Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.

Chuck Norris doesn’t need to swallow when eating food.

If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.

Ironically, Chuck Norris’ hidden talent is invisibility.

Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly ‘get out of jail free’ card.

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

Chuck Norris invented water.

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn’t find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, “always leave things the way you found em!”

One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker’s real father.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.

In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till."
After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhouse kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity." then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris uses a live rattle snake for a condom.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f--k with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Froschmann

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Freitag, 6. Januar 2006, 19:27

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.

Mein Favorit:

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
We dance to all the wrong songs!

schdaeff

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Freitag, 6. Januar 2006, 21:19

Bow down to the Master:


Fredy Jones

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Sonntag, 8. Januar 2006, 18:28

ich kann kein französisch (oder was das auch immer für eine sprache ist) :]
Wir trampeln durchs Getreide , wir trampeln durch die Saat ,
hurra , wir verblöden , für uns bezahlt der Staat.

(by Brösel)

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Sonntag, 8. Januar 2006, 22:42

Zitat

Original von Fredy Jones
ich kann kein französisch (oder was das auch immer für eine sprache ist) :]


Öhm, das ist ganz normales Englisch ?( :rolleyes:, wie es jeder in der Schule gelernt haben sollte, oder lernen sollte.

Aber ich finde das factfile absolut obergeil^^.
The light at the end of the tunnel is always the headlight of an incomig train!

De' Maddin

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Dienstag, 10. Januar 2006, 21:40

SAUGUT!
Grüße,

De' Maddin Set
________________________________

Dängdäng-Dängdäng-Dängdäng
Bababababaaa-baba - Brack........Meet you all the way....dadadab...usw.

serial2k

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Dienstag, 10. Januar 2006, 22:28

Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris is the only person to win an Olympic Gold Medal in swimming without ever getting wet.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

Und am Wichtigsten:
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer!
mdiym42: note to self
mdiym42: make sure your cat is not sleeping in the bass drum before you start playing them

8

Mittwoch, 11. Januar 2006, 15:02

roflmao.... SUUUUPER!
Schießbude
In meinem Herz schlagen zwei Brüste.

Trommelschwabe

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Mittwoch, 11. Januar 2006, 15:23

Zitat

Original von Fredy Jones
ich kann kein französisch (oder was das auch immer für eine sprache ist) :]

Ich glaube wir wollten noch mal einen Fred mit diesem Zitat heir aufmachen ^^ *wegbrech*
"Alles ist möglich, Unmögliches dauert nur etwas länger."

Froschmann

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Mittwoch, 11. Januar 2006, 15:47

But wait, there's more!

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

A woman once got pregnant by watching a Chuck Norris movie.

On the eighth day, God said, "Let there be Chuck Norris.", but put him into cryogenic sleep after he roundhouse kicked twelve Adams to death.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
We dance to all the wrong songs!

Dieser Beitrag wurde bereits 1 mal editiert, zuletzt von »Froschmann« (11. Januar 2006, 15:49)


bos

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11

Donnerstag, 9. Februar 2006, 01:15

au mann, ja, die sind wirklich seeeeehr geil! :D

da fällt mir vergangenes wochenende ein... ham bei nem kollege gefeiert, der hatte sturmfrei. seine schwester (2 jahre jünger) hatte auch ein paar gäste da. von denen kommen irgendwann ein paar vorbei und fragen ob sie an ort xyz nicht pennen könnten

unser gastgeber: kennst du chuck norris?
gast der schwester: ...???
unser gastgeber: der hat gesagt wir pennen hier

das kam einfach nur zu geil... die ham kein wort verstanden und wir warn uns alle am abrollen.

auf deutsch ma n paar:
Gott sprach: "Es werde Licht.", Chuck Norris sagte: "Sag bitte!"
Wenn Chuck Norris Wasser berührt wird er nicht nass, das Wasser wird Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris hat keine Uhr - er bestimmt welche Zeit es ist
If this is not what you expected, please alter your expectations.

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Montag, 20. Februar 2006, 21:11

hehe, hab Tränen gelacht, war das einzige was mich heute aufheitern konnte...
michaelholzhauser.de
Mark mag Mager-Quark

Flamax

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Dienstag, 21. Februar 2006, 13:00

RE: But wait, there's more!

Zitat

Original von Froschmann
According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.



Das ist mal der absolut geilste *wuhahahaha* aber die andere sind au lustig :D
:P Hier gibts nix zu sehen :P

Jochenist.net

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Mittwoch, 29. März 2006, 20:40


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Donnerstag, 30. März 2006, 16:22

Und hier liest Chuck die Facts über ihn:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rjIfmRO_L…=Chuck%20Norris
Pounding out aggression, turns into obsession, cannot kill the BATTERY !!!

schdaeff

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FabS3

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Freitag, 31. März 2006, 15:31

einfach ein traum =)

wirklich selten so gelacht.. :D
Esst mehr Obst! Lest mehr!

mobe

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Samstag, 22. April 2006, 17:24

meine absoluten favoriten:

Wenn, dank eines unglaublichen Paradoxons, Chuck Norris in der Lage wäre gegen sich selbst zu kämpfen, würde er gewinnen. Punkt!

Einige Leute tragen Superman-Schlafanzüge. Superman trägt Chuck-Norris-Schlafanüge.

und klasse ist auch, wie chuck norris damals hitler mit einem roundhousekick besiegt hat.
Hoch die Tassen!

ultimazer1

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Sonntag, 23. April 2006, 12:28

Hahaha, das iss einfach der geilste thread ever:D
Ne halbe Stunde Wegschmeißen am Stück :D
wer kann der kann, wer nicht kann will auch ;)

Philippe

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Sonntag, 23. April 2006, 18:03

chuck norris did a roundhouse kick and mr t blocked it, the result was the 80s